Had a crazy fucking week.
My problem is, I don’t know what the fuck I want. Well, no, I do but men keep pathologicalising what I want and end up making me feel somehow perverted so influenced by their need I change my mind.
Like the wind, one says, flip flop says another. I try to be me, but when I’m with them I want to also make them happy, please them, so I compromise and end up looking flakey.
So last you heard I let Mr AA know I didn’t want a relationship, cause even though his profile said he wasn’t looking for anything other than in his words a “root” somehow on spending time with me he got all intense and I decided to back off as I knew I would end up hurting him.
This of course is coupled with sex with Mr Tadpole on Monday, stupidly fucking Mr G in his car on Tuesday, the date with Mr AA where I ended up dumping him on Wednesday and unwanted sex with Pirate on Thursday. Yeah I know, out of control.
Anyway Mr AA and I kept texting after saying it wasn’t working for me and we decided to try to be friends. However he’d never had a female friend who he didn’t want to “root” so this was probably in vain. He asked me to come watch fireworks with him on Saturday night and we lay around discussing us and the possibility of just being “friends with benefits”.
We resolved to catch up for a movie on the Wednesday as friends. However he called me on Tuesday to chat and during the conversation I disclosed my crazy sex week. He appreciated my honesty and said in fact it made him want me more. I agreed to cancel the date I had been planning for that night and invited him over instead.
We spent the night together getting to know each other more and I talked through more of what I didn’t want at this point in time, as certainly any relationship would be a reaction to my recent break up with Mr G. He seemed to accept this and wanted to spend the next day (today) with me. We went to a movie then picniced on the river, and had a swim. It was beautiful and relaxing.
Unfortunately simultaneously I was in a bizarre text triangle with Pirate and the woman who was part of the reason we weren’t together. He called her Wonder woman. For reasons only Pirate knows he gave her my number. This highly intrigued me and I admit I was distracted by the messages. Though I did not hide what I was doing. It was wrong and I should have resisted. However, that coupled with my revelations about my previous weeks activities was enough for him to issue the public dumping via a comment on my previous post.
He could have emailed, texted or called. I believe he wanted to either publicly shame me, or talk directly to the other “suitors”. Whatever his reasons it hurt and has led to this post.
Bless YOU Mr AA